I Was A Person Before Motherhood, Sarah’s Story
Today is International Women’s Day and I couldn’t let it pass by without sharing another incredible Portraits of Motherhood Story. I feel so grateful to these women for sharing their stories and writing so honestly and vulnerably. They are inspiring and help me to feel less alone in my own motherhood experiences, which is a gift to me and every woman who reads their stories.
I’d now love to introduce you to Sarah! We have a mutual friend in Logan, UT and were able to squeeze in a session during one of my recent stays in the area. She was so kind, welcoming, and real, which I loved.
I remember reading her reflection entries for the first time and being so impressed with what she wrote and deeply relating to it. I think she really captured the sentiment that many of us have going into motherhood — that it will and/or should come naturally and effortlessly. Then when we struggle in motherhood, we wonder if something is wrong with us.
I also love that she highlighted the pressure to “make sure you’re enjoying your kids enough”, and what life after raising kids will look like. We often put everything into motherhood and without realizing it, it becomes our whole identity. However, I truly believe that mothers are so much more than “just a mom.” Personally it has been so important for me to carve out space and time for things that I love outside of my motherhood (like this project!) And as Sarah mentions, one day our kids will leave home and we will have to continue to re-discover more of who we are outside of motherhood.
I hope you enjoy reading her reflections! I’d love to know what resonates with you the most (in writing or photograph)!
Sarah’s Reflections:
Finding My Seat at the Table, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
I grew up as the oldest of 5 kids and I was always drawn to children. I enjoyed babysitting for many families in my neighborhood. In my preteen years I paid for a parenting magazine just because I loved it. In high school I was voted “most likely to drive a suburban full of kids”. When I was in college and Pinterest came out I would spend hours pinning all the things I would do with my future children.
I became an elementary school teacher.
All of these things created an expectation for me that motherhood would come so easy and natural to me.
I felt like everyone talked about how I was made to be a mom. I was so excited to have a house full of kids and do all the magical things with them that I dreamt of for years.
Stretched and Strengthened, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
I did not expect motherhood to rock my world. I had been around plenty of babies. I had a career taking care of children. I was a responsible person. I was told it would be challenging.
But really, no words of advice or prior life experience could have truly prepared me for the change of becoming a mother.
When my son was born, I really struggled. Recovering from a C-section, trying to breastfeed, and being sleep deprived had me in tears all day. I remember crying to my mom and telling her that before motherhood, when I had a hard day, I could come home and unwind and look forward to going to bed that night. But with a newborn baby when the day was hard there was no relief in sight. I knew I had another long night ahead of me and the cycle seemed never ending.
I was not prepared for how difficult it was to be needed at all hours of the day. I knew life would never be the same and I mourned the loss of my old life. I truly did not know if I could ever move on from surviving motherhood.
Surviving Motherhood, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
With a great support system and with time, I slowly began to thrive.
The reality of the demands of motherhood pushed me. But just as the challenges were greater than expected, the joy and love was too. Seeing the world through my son’s eyes gave life greater purpose and meaning. I felt immense joy in sharing the things I love with him.
Motherhood has stretched and strengthened me in ways I never expected…
and I often find my heart simultaneously breaking and bursting with joy while watching my children grow.
Am I Enjoying Enough?, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
There is a lyric that really spoke to me in my first year of motherhood. In the song “Everything Changes” by Sara Bareilles there is a line that says “I swear I’ll remember to say we were both born today.”
I truly did feel like a new version of myself was born the day I became a mother.
The way I saw the world completely changed. My empathy grew as I realized that each person I saw was someone’s child. Every small and big life experience became more exciting because I got to share it with my son. I found purpose in raising my children. My relationships with them bring me such great joy.
People love to remind young mothers to soak their children up while they are young because it goes by faster than we think. Because of the happiness I feel in this stage of young motherhood, this advice has really caused me to panic.
Are these really the best years of my life? Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? I feel like I am enjoying my children, but am I enjoying them enough? What if I forget these feelings?
The future began to seem daunting because my children would be grown and my joy would be gone. I forgot that there is also great joy outside of motherhood.
Storyteller, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
I recently read some personal journal entries from many years ago.
The words were such an important reminder to me that I was a person before motherhood.
A person that experienced deep joy and loved life. And it reminds me that even when my children are grown and don’t need me in the same ways they do now, I will still be able to find joy.
It has been important for me to start to recognize things that bring me joy outside of my children. Trying new foods with my husband. Going to book club and connecting with my friends. Swimming alone in the ocean. Playing pickleball. Laying in the grass on a sunny day.
I am so grateful my children bring me great joy but I am also grateful that I can experience joy in many ways.
