I could not have turned away from SAHM-hood on my own, Lindsey’s Story
Words can’t express how much I’ve missed sharing these motherhood stories over the last year! For those of you who don’t know, I found out I was pregnant last December and have been juggling pregnancy, postpartum, and 2 active, busy, boys.
A couple of weeks ago I was thinking about these stories and it dawned on me that I had never put together Lindsey’s story from our session together LAST YEAR! She is the most patient and kind human there is. Thank you Lindsey for your outstanding patience and for taking the time to write these beautiful reflections and thoughts. Your story inspired me when I first read it, and has inspired me yet again as I’ve put this post together. There are so many beautiful takeaways and feelings I’m sure many women and mothers will relate to.
Lindsey’s Reflections:
Switch in the Train Tracks, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
First, I need to explain: for the five years immediately preceding the moment I found out I was going to be a mother,
I had an invisible scoreboard hanging around my neck.
It read:
Medical Procedures: 16
Failed IVF Embryo transfers: 4
Ectopic Pregnancies: 1
Miscarriages: 1
Failed Adoptions: 1
Children: 0
I have always wanted to be a mother. I found and married a great, playful, responsible man at age 29 and he and I both wanted to bring a bunch of cute little people into this world. And then... the first year of TTC ("Trying To Conceive," for those of you not steeped in the acronym-heavy online world of the infertile) came and went.
The scoreboard of failed procedures and pregnancies began to tick upwards. For five long, terribly sad years.
The day before I found out I was pregnant, I was so weary of trying, so scared of stepping up to the IVF plate again and opening myself up to loss. I had actually paused fertility efforts for the previous six months after the last expensive, disappointing failure. I had begun to do some mourning along the lines of, "What if it NEVER happens? What if my life, our marriage, does not include children? What do I… DO?"
The day I found out I was naturally pregnant was, in all of life's mysterious ironies, right after I finally had worked up the courage to call the fertility clinic to schedule my next IVF transfer. The nurse on the phone asked for the date of my last period and I realized.... I was on Day 30. I had clockwork 30-day cycles and I always experienced the same monster headache the day before my period. No headache. Weird.
When I woke up the next morning with still no sign of a headache or of a cycle start, I just… knew. I knew I was pregnant, naturally. It’s incredibly bizarre, looking back, how NOT giddy I was. I wasn’t bubbly, I wasn’t exuberant, I just… felt this little glowing hunch. I knew I was pregnant.
Holding On To Hope, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
After work, I would go to Walmart to purchase yet another $0.89 pregnancy test, and to be sure I got accurate results, I would wait til the NEXT morning (technically the morning of missed-day-#2) to take it. I went about my day at my library workplace with a little buzzy smile at the corners of my mouth. And the next morning, after taking the test, I didn’t even rush in to see the results right away. I waited a minute or two extra, savoring the suspense. I was sure. Funny how that works. I felt tons of impatience and jitters for the many negative tests I’d taken over the years, but when I was finally, miraculously, naturally pregnant, I knew. And I took my leisurely time confirming my hunch.
After seeing that clear blue line, I gasped, and laughed out loud, and said a prayer of thanks. Hand to my head, taking steadying, laugh-y breaths, I ran to get my cell phone and facetime my husband, who was asleep in Idaho on a work assignment. He answered, and I spilled. He couldn’t believe his ears at first (it didn’t help to be woken up).
At that point, it started to dawn on us; our future plans had just shifted, like a tiny switch in the train tracks. We both could start envisioning all the things that may await us down this other road, so different than the long, lonely, sad one we’d been resignedly facing just a few days before.
It was a Great Day.
The biggest parenting-related decision I've yet had to make came when my daughter was 14 months old and I was five months pregnant with our son. My boss had suddenly decided to retire early and I was offered his job!
It was a dream job: the head of a whole department. It was the kind of thing I was built for.
Years of infertility meant I'd had extra time to get a great education including two masters degrees, and I'd worked my way into the niche field of digital librarianship. I loved all the problem solving, all the technical challenges. But... I had waited so long for these beautiful babies!
I had always expected to become a SAHM. I adored my still-nascent motherhood. For the last fourteen months, I'd stayed working only because COVID had caused my husband to slow his plans. We'd made him the caretaker for our daughter while I continued to "bread-win." Mercifully, remote work removed much of the sting from having to return to work; I could see my beautiful girl on and off throughout the day, nurse her, etc.
When I received this new job offer, I asked my would-be boss to give me the weekend to consider my future. That whole weekend I went back and forth, agonized. I decided to turn the promotion down and quit, but then... I kept weeping involuntarily, hour after hour. It was my husband who gently nudged me and said, "This doesn't seem like the right choice. Why don't you take the job? Let's just see where it goes. You can always quit."
I needed that validation. I could not have turned away from SAHM-hood on my own. As soon as he said it, my heart lifted. My body began to fill with positive energy.
I suddenly remembered a line from a blessing I'd received about taking leadership opportunities as they naturally arrived. I began to have this vision of the amazing, meant-to-be timing of the last few years of our lives: five years of infertility, then my daughter arrives, then a pandemic happens just nine days after she was born to keep me at work. Then the new remote work setup allows me to enjoy her babyhood and THEN, this new job springs up, perfect for me. My instincts told me this was a unique, precise path and that I was meant to be on it. I accepted the job.
A Mother Shared, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
I have learned over and over since this decision to trust in my husband's and my ability to work hard and make it work. I have learned to trust that, even though this is not motherhood as I'd always dreamed, it is right for us.
My kids will be blessed by seeing a mother who shares her talents with her community.
They are blessed to have more time with their great dad.
I feel assurance that it will all work out and I feel happy as we continue on our way down this intriguing, rewarding road together.
My husband and I talk about our children's future all the time. Infertility meant that our kids didn't arrive until we were in our late 30s, and
here's the thing they don't tell you about waiting 'til you're older to have kids: it means you will have less time with them overall, in the end.
Time We’ve Been Given, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
Soberly, my husband and I talk to one another about the fact that our kids will be roughly the age we are now when we die of old age. That is kind of heart-breaking to dwell on! BUT. I'm a big believer in not worrying about what you can't change, and we couldn't change how our family creation went down. It is what it is.
The babies came when they came. We will embrace the time we've been given.
Infertility gave my husband and I plenty of opportunity to bond, to really become partners - a well-oiled machine together - and now our kids have been born super close in age (3 kids in 3.3 years!). We are thrilled by their closeness, because we hope to help our kids forge strong bonds with *each other*, so that they can be each other's support circle in their later years when we cannot.
Majestic Gifts, Portraits of Motherhood, 2023
Because we have been blessed with the opportunity to make a decent living, my husband and I are saving our money super strategically to hopefully retire early and also have a special fund set aside to travel with our babies. I want to make great memories, see the world with them! I want them to know that they are our pride and joy, our finest dreams come true. They give us tremendous motivation to work hard and to secure a good future for us.
I mostly hope our legacy includes the majestic gift of close family relationships.
I also hope our children will find it fun to become a part of my and my husband's "well-oiled machine," feel like they contribute and can work hard, too, and are valuable to our goals and to the world. Heaven knows they already bring so much light, meaning, and value into our lives, with all their specific little personalities and parts.
